TBD 85: Overwhelmed and over it?
It's called boundaries, bro. You heard of it?
We live in a culture of overwhelm as normal and expected.
We’ve all read the articles about how “I’m so busy!” seemed to be a status symbol. And lately everyone is required to do more with less. So more work is given and we step up dutifully and reliably. Busy people are important, right?
Then, bam. Overwhelm.
We’re anxious, exhausted, and dipping into being burned out and resentful. Not a great trade off for feeling important. Instead of feeling in control, we create a situation that causes massive personal power loss.
But, As a reformed people-pleaser (well, mostly reformed), I’ve learned the pure pleasure and power of saying “no” and a few other approaches to align my commitments with the time I actually have.
No is a full sentence. You aren’t required to give reasons, excuses, or other information to someone asking you to do something. Sure, in certain situations we respond with more than just “no” but I feel good when I remember “no” is enough.
No + Counter Offer. Saying no and then offering something you CAN do helps you clarify what specifically you could contribute. “No, I need to decline, but I can take that on next time!” “No, but I can help set up!”
Yes, If. This is making an agreement IF certain considerations are in place. Yes, if gives you some control in naming what it is you need in order to make a commitment. “Yes, if I can hand off the project management on June 1.”
Tradeoff - I can do this, but let me know what to take off my plate. This is popular advice, but I don’t love it because it seems a little passive aggressive to me. You probably have the best sense of your priorities and could suggest what might come off your plate. In your conversation, include what piece of work you’d recommend could come off your plate and how much add’l bandwidth that would give you. This allows you to manage your bandwidth with more control.
JOMO - You’re familiar with FOMO, the fear of missing out, but don’t forget the relished the pleasures of JOMO. The joy of missing out is a gift because sometimes you can simply give that opportunity a hard pass. Another train will come by.
When we aren’t empowered to say “no” we lose our dignity and choice. We lose our voice. We are more indentured than employed. We’re beholden to do more that we have capacity to manage against our will.
Saying “no” can feel uncomfortable, scary, terrifying even. I work with many of my clients to find ways that feel authentic, safe and professional. Saying no is something that should be part of your toolkit.
There are times we feel like we can’t decline—it’s a busy time for the whole team, we just laid off so many people, we’re in crunch mode. And all of those things are fine reasons to take on more work over some amount of time. But plan the extra support you’ll need—or the changes you’ll need to temporarily make. And keep a strong practice of “no” in your back pocket.
Hi, It’s Courtney!
Saying “no” can bring up a lot of feelings. What if folks are disappointed? What if you are penalized in some way? But the truth is we have to build an ability to manage our capacity, strengthen our ability to decline or pass in order to be effective in the things that most matter.
This is the kind of stuff we talk about and practice in my monthly coaching group with RETHINK. It’s a supportive, low stakes environment where you’ll meet others who face similar challenges.
Join anytime and choose your commitment. You’ll also get video resources and access to a community for more support. Learn more here.
I have a few coaching spots opening this fall so if 1:1 support is more your style, drop me an email and let’s set up a chat.
Your coach, Courtney