TBD 58: Saying No, Setting Boundaries
How do I say "no"?
We’re plagued with ideas, requests, being “volun-told” to do something. Now more than ever, we have more on our plates, more requests and higher expectations. How do you say no?
It makes sense that we avoid saying “no” if possible.
it may feel confrontational...and we want to be nice and helpful!
we're afraid that we'll be punished or penalized in some way.
we're afraid that people won’t like us.
we don’t have much practice saying “no”
we don't know how to find the words so that it doesn’t feel so…negative?
we are intimidated by the requestor.
Today I have a few resources and books about boundaries and saying “No” and about setting boundaries.
We all would like to think we can "do it all" but we can't.Every human has limited capacity. Exceeding our capacity -especially with draining tasks or toxic people- has a very negative impact on your life. We often don't recognize the true cost to our mental and physical health. Instead, we can be very judgmental about our inability to "handle it".
If we can't set our own boundaries by choosing what we take on, life can get really overwhelming. Suddenly your life isn't your own. Having tools and practices to leverage makes it much easier to manage our lives and create more freedom.
As always, I recommend people PRACTICE these skills in the lowest-stakes places before you're faced with saying "no" to in a more intimidating situation. It lowers the bar and gives you the space to feel out your approach.
A big thank you to a couple clients who recommended these links and books below….
Finding the words:
Great article on finding your "No"
Some email scripts you can use as a start.
Boundaries books:
No.
Here's my template script for "no":
Thanks for thinking of me, I can hear this project is an important one....
...but I don't have bandwidth for this one. Hopefully we can work together soon.
...and it would require more time than I can commit to right now. Unfortunately, I have to decline.
...but I have to pass. Thanks for understanding. Sorry I can't support this one.
Here's my template script for "maybe" or, "let me check before i commit":
Thanks for thinking of me, I can hear this project is an important one....
...so we'd need to reprioritize what's on my plate to make time for this. That will require reworking commitments with existing stakeholders so I'd need to get back to you early next week.
...can you help me understand it's priority in comparison to x, y, z?
...I would only be able to commit 4 hours a week, so it that could work, I may be able to do it but I need to confirm with my stakeholders. Can I get back to you at the end of the week?
I'm back at RETHINK this fall! Join me!
One of my favorite communities is RETHINK. It's an amazing group of people offering insider scoop on career growth for folks in design and technology. I've been so thrilled to teach at RETHINK a few times each year -- this is the last time I'll be teaching this year. We'll be focusing on Leadership and we'll have multiple days to dig in, ask (and answer) questions and learn how to grow into the best versions of ourselves as leaders.
More information + registration here