TBD 37: You Should....and the dangers of comparison.
Frienemy much?
Have you ever had that frenemy (that wicked combination of a friend/enemy) who is a peer or maybe a friend…but also weirdly competition?
Someone who lives in your mind and in your social media? Someone you are endlessly comparing yourself to?
When something nice happens for your friend you are happy….but not that happy.
When you see your old co-worker get a fancy new title you become….a little judgy?
Comparison is the thief of joy.
We look at others and feel like they have what we want - and it can be hard to see the good stuff in our own lives. Or that we have anything good in our lives at all.
One of my biggest issues with social media is the fact that you’re looking at hundreds or thousands of people who are doing their thing, or sharing a highly-produced peak moment of some kind — but you’re watching all these peak moments in a row. It's an endless scroll of edited once-in-a-lifetime moments.
And your brain doesn’t really have a bullshit detector in this case. Your brain sees this and thinks “Yeah, this looks legit. What’s wrong with you?”
"I should" starts popping up
Suddenly, the unfiled taxes and the laundry piling up seem like a direct personal inditement of your lack of discipline, talent and success. The unfinished project means you being a boring, non-ambitious person. You’ve never had the resources you needed to break out, you never get the recognition you so richly deserve, and never get your spotlight moment. Your thoughts can spiral into the shoulds…
I should be doing more.
I should be doing better.
I should have done this sooner.
I should have.
I shouldn’t have.
When we use the word “should” we create a problem. It’s not just the pain of feeling not-enough, but it’s also the pain that comes from thinking something should be different than it actually is.
We aren’t accepting our reality NOW.
And when we can’t square up with what is right now, we don’t have much of a launching spot. Instead of being grounded in what is, (whatever the conditions), we stand on the ever-slippery slope of “should”. Should keeps sucker punching us and deflating our confidence because should is an accusation of missing an opportunity.
In fact, making real change requires that we acknowledge what is actually happening right now. Whatever that is. Then, from that reality, we can assess what we need to navigate to a new space.
So, instead of….
“I should be speaking at conferences if I’m ever going to build my professional brand.”
We can say,
“I”m not speaking at conferences. Building a professional brand was one of my goals and speaking could help me achieve that. What else would be a way to build my brand?”
Or, “I’d like to build my professional brand. I thought speaking at conferences would be a logical step, but I haven’t done it. Where’s the breakdown? What’s getting in my way of moving forward? I need to research where might speak as a first step”
Or, “I thought I’d be speaking at conferences. However, the facts are that I am building a life that is working really well for me, my family and my clients. And right now that doesn’t include a conference talk.”
Things to keep in mind when looking at progress on your own goals:
Compare yourself to yourself.
Are you getting better in areas that are important to you?
Are you clear about why you’ve set goals - for the sake of what?
What's most important to you about the goal?
What is the breakdown? What block are you seeing that’s preventing the next step?
What’s right about the fact that you aren’t meeting your goal?
Can you look at others and remind yourself:
I’m only seeing 2% of the process.
I don’t know all of what’s going on in that person’s world.
I don’t know that I have the same goals, values or needs as this person.
I’m doing well and making progress where it’s important for me.
If I’m feeling jealous of my frienemy, what part of their story am I most envious of? Is there something they are doing/getting that I truly want for myself?