😬 Good Grief. Navigating the Return to Work.

Season of Re-entry

II took a few flights over the past few weeks. After a 15+ months of being in a bubble with three humans, facing the sheer scale of humanity at the airport was surreal. It was crowded, there were lines, it was loud and chaotic. The flights were full, the airport was packed, people were determined to make the most of Summer 2021 by reconnecting with grandparents, old friends, or taking vacations to new places with new faces. While I was navigating the crowds, I noticed I was not anxious, not impatient, but...numb. 

I went into that numb survival mode of just not feeling and pushing through the experience of TSA agents, luggage, car rental, and more.

How are you managing this season of re-entry?

As my clients are diving into summer breaks, they are also living with an edge of apprehension about returning to offices, returning to old routines or “normal”. Many of my clients are responsible for the “return to office” planning or they are managing teams that are facing uncertain rules and ways of working. 

In order to keep plowing forward, it’s easy to feel “numb” or “fine” or seem to have no feelings at all. Collectively, we're pushing bigger problems out. Numb turns to resentment. Feeling "nothing" can lead to despair or depression....or lingering low grade resignation.

So, how do managers and leaders move forward? 
As a manager, you need to work with a team through the next season of return - and all that it may hold. People will be coming back to the office with different experiences of the past year. Overall, I think most people will grapple with grief at some level. Grief is feeling the loss. 

As a manager, it  makes sense to become aware of and familiar with the stages of grief. In 1969, Elisabeth Kübler-Ross described five common stages of grief, popularly referred to as DABDA. They include:

• Denial

• Anger

• Bargaining

• Depression

• Acceptance 

The stages of grief have been around for awhile and are fodder for memes, funny videos, and more but it's worth having at least a passing familiarity. 

We think of grief as being associated with death. Or being a very private or personal experience. 

We hear of someone losing a loved one, and we may reach out or offer a hug or a meal, but then we leave them to their own devices. Grief is not something publicly talked about or acknowledged much in our society. 

However, grieving is a natural part of many losses - divorce, natural disaster, illness, job loss - and we’ve just collectively gone through massive loss. 

It may sound strange that being familiar with grief stages could help you be a more effective leader. After all, work is work - what do feelings have to do with it? Shouldn’t people be dealing with that on their own time? 

I’d argue that  in order to facilitate stronger teams and a smoother path forward, you’ll need to be better versed in the language of emotions. Having an awareness of these stages can be incredibly helpful when a team member lashes out with uncharacteristic behavior, or when someone seems to be okay but definitely isn’t their old self. 

The interruption of an expected future and the loss of what could have been or should have been is something that will be acknowledged and grieved. 

Here are some steps to keep in mind:

1. Everyone’s experience is different, but acknowledging that there will be emotions associated with this return is important. People may not talk about emotion at work, but their behaviors may display something bigger going on.

2. People are going to put their best side forward to you. They want to show up, appear to have it all together, and be successful in your eyes (after all, in some part you probably determine promotions, bonuses, etc). Keep in mind that what you're seeing may not be the full story. 

3. There’s an opportunity for you to be transparent and vulnerable about your own experience in the past year. If you can be honest, and show up as a flawed, real human with (gasp!) feelings, everyone can feel safer in their own experience.

4. You don’t need to be a therapist but you can be an empathetic listener. You can remind your team of any mental health benefits (or other benefits) your company offers. You can help balance a workloads or check in more frequently. Kindness, and authentic care go a long way towards helping people feel safe.

5. Create your own times to reflect. As you’re working with your team, take time to reflect - what are you seeing? How is the team doing? Where are your concerns? What do you believe would best serve at this time? What do you need? Giving yourself time weekly to step back and look at the big picture helps you navigate the ship instead of getting caught up in every detail without larger reflection.

It will be a season of transition

You, too, probably want to produce results for YOUR manager. And, while we do have promises we need to take care of for our organization, realizing that taking the time to set your team up for success is going to include listening, building trust, supporting folks navigating grief, and going slower in order to go fast.

Managers can be worried that slowing down to acknowledge emotion could detail them or the full team. Faking confidence, charging forward, and armoring for anyone who may push back on your particular plans or requests may seem like the way to go. But the truth is we’re all navigating this together and staying flexible, open, and having a caring response means more than a water-tight plan. HBR did a nice article on how flexibility is important. 

You want to provide a strong sense of belonging. In 20 years people won’t remember deadlines or launches, but they will remember how you made them feel. Creating trust on a team helps you navigate much larger challenges together. We’re better together.

Dive Deeper

On Grief and Grieving is the original book that so much has come from.  On Grief and Grieving

We want to be taken seriously, feel powerful and authoritative, but make sure you don't miss out on being vulnerable and whole-hearted, this is where authentic power lives.
Power of Vulnerability: Brene Brown